Pregnancy is not all rainbows and unicorns...

Now this might seem like a whiney, long-winded complaint about the (query) joys of pregnancy. And that's precisely because it is.

When we found out we were pregnant I was a) surprised b) scared and c) kinda happy. 

• Surprised because I thought the timing method was foolproof (beware people, those apps don’t work).
• Scared because I have very limited maternal instinct that I’m aware of…some might call it ‘selfishness’. Also before realising I was a sacred vessel we had attended a series of weddings, 4 in fact, whereby the uni student in me came out to play in devouring the ‘free drinks' all night. The GP reassured me it was no biggie because 'who knows the baby might have been a genius, and now he probably won’t be’. Ah ok… I guess.
• Finally, I was kinda happy cause I was like…um…it’s a bloody miracle to create new life and good on us for getting that done. 

I imagined, jock that I am, that I would be a very fit and active pregnant lady who would be perhaps running lighthearted marathons and surfing till 9 months gaining only, like 3kgs throughout (just the actual weight of the baby thank you very much). But of course…human body says no. Absolutely effing not. 

My previously iron clad stomach that could tolerate almost any food from any country without upset became very, very sick. 24-hour nausea that just would not resolve for 16 weeks had me questioning my will to live. Women who suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum (aka excessively sick for entire 40 weeks of pregnancy) I take my hat off to you (and the rest of my clothes too) because you are superwomen and I don’t even understand how you do not actually die from this.

And don’t you worry, despite the nausea and vomiting, I still managed to gain excessive weight in the first and second trimester. Through sheer determination and an overload of vegemite cheese scrolls…like several erry day #SoNutritious. 

And then… I just stopped being able to walk without pain. Turns out it was this thing called ‘pelvic girdle pain’ meaning I was to limit;…well pretty much anything involving actual movement. As luck would have it, it also gets progressively worse as the pregnancy hormones increase (particularly a little bastard hormone called relaxin). Fuck off relaxin. You make me very unrelaxed. 

I started to understand why my hospital letter said my ‘period of confinement’ would end on June 8th when the baby was due to exit my body. I initially laughed at this…sounded like a jail sentence hahaha I thought… too funny this medical lingo. But turns out, jokes on me... It was a fairly literal summary of pregnancy.

Here I am at week 38 and my pelvis is quite effed and walking is a constant ordeal. So Jacinta The Jock, I am not. More like …’lazy, fat, uncomfortable, 24-7 indigestion on the back of insomnia, perhaps slightly emotionally unstable due to 9 months sans endorphins’ Jacinta. 

So yeah, turns out it’s not all rainbows and unicorns making a human.

Not an accurate depiction of pregnancy.

On the upside I have discovered a few positive things - baby converse shoes and trucker hats are THAT cute (and therefore necessities). I also have very nice friends who generously give me baby things and say how great I look (liars! but I really appreciate it). Most importantly, the weight gain and fluid retention has lead to a puffy face…as in people now ask me if I get fillers or botox. I’m like.. neither... but if you gain 50kg, you too could look this youthful.  

2 weeks to go. and then there will be a whole new set of interesting ‘hurdles’ and ‘triumphs’ in the journey of life creation. 

Stay tuned. I promise to keep being a whingey little complainer. Because I get that people dig that about me. 

Thanks for your honesty Jacinta, we are tired of the constant gratefulness and positivity already surrounding us in the world. #SaidNoOneEver

You’re welcome friends and foes. High fives all round.